Miscarriage Update

I went in for the quantitative HCG test yesterday, but I haven't heard what the results are. Last night, I had pain that I thought was from being constipated and having that push up against my bruised insides, but this morning I found out I was wrong about that. I expelled more "tissue" that I think might have been the embryo. I put it in a sterile container that I already had from the lab and took it in. I know it sounds weird to say it "might have been the embryo," but I really can't be sure. If you're easily grossed out, skip to the next paragraph now. It felt hard, and it looked like it had a head, a neck, and a body, but other than that, there were no discernable "details".

I cried over this fresh loss and thought about keeping it and burying it, but I decided that it will serve a better purpose if it can be examined and we can get closer to understanding why I've miscarried twice in a row. If it had a soul, that soul is already elsewhere. Examining the body will not hurt the soul, and that's the important thing.

I do believe in God and heaven, but I don't feel strongly one way or the other regarding if people are already in heaven or if we all go to heaven at the same time on the judgement day. But I had a conversation with my Grandma Mary, just in case she is already in heaven. I asked her to find my babies and take care of them until I get there. I told her that I'm sure my other grandmas and great-aunts will be happy to help, but I want her to be their primary guardian. It sounds kind of silly, but it comforted me. Grandma Mary always took good care of me, and I know she'd do the same for my babies.

Miscarriage #2

Well, I've miscarried again. I had an appointment for a second ultrasound, but I canceled it because I knew the miscarriage had already began. On the two days before the ultrasound appointment, I lost the mucus plug (it's what keeps your cervix closed so nothing can get in and hurt the pregnancy). On the day of the ultrasound appointment, I was beginning to spot blood. On Thursday the 16th, I woke up at 3:00 in the morning with very bad cramps and heavy bleeding. Midol and Ibuprofen did nothing to dull the pain. By late morning, I had passed the gestational sac into the toilet. I had wanted to try to catch it so that it could be examined by a doctor, but I failed. I did manage to save a bit of tissue and took that into the lab on Monday (I was in too much pain to go anywhere on Thursday or Friday). I'm still bleeding lightly, but it's waning.

My new nurse practitioner called and left a message yesterday after I dropped off the tissue. She said that I was supposed to come in for a follow-up hgc test, but I never heard her tell me to do that. I called her back this morning, but I haven't heard back from her yet. Depending on what she says, it looks like my next step is to go to an OB-GYN and start doing tests to figure out why I can't have a successful pregnancy. There is one OB-GYN at that clinic, but he's a man, so I may end up going elsewhere.

I'm upset about this miscarriage, but it's not as bad as the first one. I never really allowed myself to become attached this time. But I am having horrible headaches and I'm not dealing with stress at work as well as normal.

Week Ten

I had my first ultrasound this morning, and I did not get encouraging news. The doctor was able to see the sac that should contain the fetus (I forget the sac's name), but the only thing he could find that might have been the fetus was about the size of a 6-week fetus, not a 10-week fetus. There was no evident heartbeat. I have another ultrasound on October 7 at a place with a better ultrasound machine, and the hope is that more development will occur by that time and/or they'll be able to get a better picture of what's going on.

I've been crying most of the morning. This feels too much like a repeat of last year. I hope that I get good news from the next ultrasound, but I kind of doubt it. I have an appointment for an exam on Monday, so I'll talk to my doctor about all this then.

Week Nine

I have been feeling really crummy since Monday with a bad sinus cold. I've also had very little morning sickness since then which worries me because morning sickness is a good indicator that everything is going well with the baby. I'm hoping that it'll come back with a vengeance once I've shaken this cold. Is it odd to hope for bad morning sickness? My ultrasound is not until the 26th, so I have lots of time to worry about whether the baby will appear or not. In the meantime, I'm just trying to take care of myself and get this cold out of my system.

Week Eight

I'm now seven weeks and two days into my pregnancy. I went to the doctor today for urine and blood tests. I go back on the 26th for my first ultrasound and on the 29th for a full OB exam.

I've been getting nauseated throughout the day, but I haven't vomited any. The doctor suggested I go to a health food store and get some crystallized ginger. Apparently, a lot of women find that ginger helps their morning sickness. I might look into that.

Other than that, no changes to report.

Week Seven

I'm on day 43. Divide that by 7 days in a week, and that means I've completed 6 weeks and am beginning week 7. I just got back from the clinic where I was given their official pregnancy test, and it came back positive! That was a big relief. I will have an "OB intake" exam next Thursday, so hopefully everything will go well there.

Body-wise, I've noticed that I'm beginning to be ridiculously hungry about an hour and a half after lunch. And I can feel slight symptoms of nausea, but nothing serious (at least not at this point). Also, my breasts are really sore. It's worst when I take off my bra and they aren't being held up by anything. Oh, and my clothes are getting tighter. But wearing maternity clothes would be a bit of a giveaway since I don't intend to tell anyone I'm pregnant until the 1st trimester is safely past.

Week Six

Just to be clear, "week six" means I have complete five full weeks of pregnancy and am now working on the sixth week. Today is actually day 38.

The spotting I mentioned last time stopped the next morning, for which I am quite thankful. But then I had another scare yesterday morning with bright blood. But that was just the one time, so I think (hope) everything is ok.

I intend to do another pregnancy test on Tuesday (which will be the beginning of week seven). If that's positive, I'll call the clinic and get in for one of their pregnancy tests.

I've been crying for no good reason. Not sobbing, just...tears. It seems like everything is affecting me more lately. Part of it is that I really don't want a repeat of my last pregnancy. I want a child so bad. And part of me fears that it's just not going to happen. But I'm trying to trust in God's will.

Physically, my stomach is already starting to change. It's enough for me to see, but not enough for anyone else to notice. I've decided to take weekly pictures to monitor it. But I'll spare you, at least for the time being.

Week Five Again?

I am shaking like a leaf right now. I manage to calm myself down a bit with deep breathing, and then I go back to normal breathing, and I go right back to where I started.

Today is day 31 of my cycle. I've been spotting for three days, but with no actual menstruation. I usually spot for one day. So I decided to do a pregnancy test this morning if I still hadn't started menstruation. It turned out positive! I'm happy and excited, but I'm also worried due to the continued spotting. I'm thinking about calling my doctor, but I really don't think there is anything she'd be able to do. Either this one will latch on and the spotting is just a sign of that happening, or I'm going to lose it like the last one.

I pray to God that everything is healthy and good.

New Phase

I don't remember if I mentioned that I was going to go to the doctor in my last post. So in case I didn't, now you know. I talked to her about the problems we've been having. Since I haven't tried for quite a year (since the miscarriage), she suggested I wait until it's been a full year and then talk to the OB/GYN they have on staff at the clinic. But she knows that I'm a fairly intelligent person, so she was willing to talk through some options with me. She said she could give me a low dose of Clomid (which is basically the first thing they try when someone is having trouble conceiving - it increases your chances of ovulation) for three months (at which time it will have been a full year). She also said the lab at the clinic could test my husband's semen to make sure there are no problems with his sperm. I decided to say yes to both options.

We haven't been able to get a semen sample in yet. Circumstances have gotten in the way, and the sample needs to be brought to the clinic as soon as possible (like within a couple of hours after "the sample has been gathered"). Plus the clinic is only open between 8:30 and 5:00 Monday through Friday. We'll get it taken care of soon, though.

I will start the Clomid in just a few days. The instructions are to take it from day 5 through day 9 of the cycle, and then test for ovulation on days 11 through 15. If I do ovulate, that's a lot sooner than when it usually happens for me. So I'll keep on testing until I get a positive. We'll see what happens.

I'm actually kind of scared again by the prospect of getting pregnant. Is that silly of me? I guess I've somehow started to adjust to the idea that I won't be able to have kids. I'm scared I won't be ready, or I'll be a failure, or we won't have enough money. I don't know. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands. I do still really want kids. I'm just also scared.

Nope, Still Not Pregnant

Well, I've given the new ideas three cycles, and I'm still not pregnant. I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor (it's about time for my yearly fun-time appointment anyway) and talk to her about what steps we can take to figure out what's going on. I'll update again when I have new information.

New Tactics

I've decided to use some new tactics for a couple of months to see if we have any better luck. Frankly, I'm beginning to grasp at straws here. I read that sperm can have trouble swimming through glycerine-based lubricants like KY Jelly (and can even be killed by it), but that egg whites seem to have the opposite effect. So, as gross as it may sound, I'm going to begin using egg whites. Also, I read that "thick" vaginal fluids can be a problem, but that Robitussin (with no letters after it) can help with that. So I'll be taking Robitussin (the ingredient you're looking for is Guaifenesin). I'm also wondering if my morning workouts are stressing my body out. Every other morning, I do a workout that often gets my pulse up to around 180 beats per minute and requires me to use my asthma inhaler. I've decided to replace that workout with yoga. I've done yoga before, and I loved it. I've found several poses that are supposed to be beneficial for pregnant women, so maybe they'll be beneficial for me, too. One other thing I read is that men can take mega-doses of vitamin C to make their sperm healthier, so I'm going to try to get my husband to take Emergen-C when I'm close to ovulating.

Ovulating. On that subject (if we were ever off that subject), I bought some ovulation tests last month, a pack of 7. The closest thing I got to a positive result was on day 19. The test line never got as dark as or darker than the control line (which would have definitely indicated ovulation). This month, I've bought a pack of 20 so I can test all month long. We'll see how that goes.