Thursday, October 23, 2008

Miscarriage Update

I went in for the quantitative HCG test yesterday, but I haven't heard what the results are. Last night, I had pain that I thought was from being constipated and having that push up against my bruised insides, but this morning I found out I was wrong about that. I expelled more "tissue" that I think might have been the embryo. I put it in a sterile container that I already had from the lab and took it in. I know it sounds weird to say it "might have been the embryo," but I really can't be sure. If you're easily grossed out, skip to the next paragraph now. It felt hard, and it looked like it had a head, a neck, and a body, but other than that, there were no discernable "details".

I cried over this fresh loss and thought about keeping it and burying it, but I decided that it will serve a better purpose if it can be examined and we can get closer to understanding why I've miscarried twice in a row. If it had a soul, that soul is already elsewhere. Examining the body will not hurt the soul, and that's the important thing.

I do believe in God and heaven, but I don't feel strongly one way or the other regarding if people are already in heaven or if we all go to heaven at the same time on the judgement day. But I had a conversation with my Grandma Mary, just in case she is already in heaven. I asked her to find my babies and take care of them until I get there. I told her that I'm sure my other grandmas and great-aunts will be happy to help, but I want her to be their primary guardian. It sounds kind of silly, but it comforted me. Grandma Mary always took good care of me, and I know she'd do the same for my babies.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Miscarriage #2

Well, I've miscarried again. I had an appointment for a second ultrasound, but I canceled it because I knew the miscarriage had already began. On the two days before the ultrasound appointment, I lost the mucus plug (it's what keeps your cervix closed so nothing can get in and hurt the pregnancy). On the day of the ultrasound appointment, I was beginning to spot blood. On Thursday the 16th, I woke up at 3:00 in the morning with very bad cramps and heavy bleeding. Midol and Ibuprofen did nothing to dull the pain. By late morning, I had passed the gestational sac into the toilet. I had wanted to try to catch it so that it could be examined by a doctor, but I failed. I did manage to save a bit of tissue and took that into the lab on Monday (I was in too much pain to go anywhere on Thursday or Friday). I'm still bleeding lightly, but it's waning.

My new nurse practitioner called and left a message yesterday after I dropped off the tissue. She said that I was supposed to come in for a follow-up hgc test, but I never heard her tell me to do that. I called her back this morning, but I haven't heard back from her yet. Depending on what she says, it looks like my next step is to go to an OB-GYN and start doing tests to figure out why I can't have a successful pregnancy. There is one OB-GYN at that clinic, but he's a man, so I may end up going elsewhere.

I'm upset about this miscarriage, but it's not as bad as the first one. I never really allowed myself to become attached this time. But I am having horrible headaches and I'm not dealing with stress at work as well as normal.