New Phase

I don't remember if I mentioned that I was going to go to the doctor in my last post. So in case I didn't, now you know. I talked to her about the problems we've been having. Since I haven't tried for quite a year (since the miscarriage), she suggested I wait until it's been a full year and then talk to the OB/GYN they have on staff at the clinic. But she knows that I'm a fairly intelligent person, so she was willing to talk through some options with me. She said she could give me a low dose of Clomid (which is basically the first thing they try when someone is having trouble conceiving - it increases your chances of ovulation) for three months (at which time it will have been a full year). She also said the lab at the clinic could test my husband's semen to make sure there are no problems with his sperm. I decided to say yes to both options.

We haven't been able to get a semen sample in yet. Circumstances have gotten in the way, and the sample needs to be brought to the clinic as soon as possible (like within a couple of hours after "the sample has been gathered"). Plus the clinic is only open between 8:30 and 5:00 Monday through Friday. We'll get it taken care of soon, though.

I will start the Clomid in just a few days. The instructions are to take it from day 5 through day 9 of the cycle, and then test for ovulation on days 11 through 15. If I do ovulate, that's a lot sooner than when it usually happens for me. So I'll keep on testing until I get a positive. We'll see what happens.

I'm actually kind of scared again by the prospect of getting pregnant. Is that silly of me? I guess I've somehow started to adjust to the idea that I won't be able to have kids. I'm scared I won't be ready, or I'll be a failure, or we won't have enough money. I don't know. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands. I do still really want kids. I'm just also scared.

Nope, Still Not Pregnant

Well, I've given the new ideas three cycles, and I'm still not pregnant. I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor (it's about time for my yearly fun-time appointment anyway) and talk to her about what steps we can take to figure out what's going on. I'll update again when I have new information.

New Tactics

I've decided to use some new tactics for a couple of months to see if we have any better luck. Frankly, I'm beginning to grasp at straws here. I read that sperm can have trouble swimming through glycerine-based lubricants like KY Jelly (and can even be killed by it), but that egg whites seem to have the opposite effect. So, as gross as it may sound, I'm going to begin using egg whites. Also, I read that "thick" vaginal fluids can be a problem, but that Robitussin (with no letters after it) can help with that. So I'll be taking Robitussin (the ingredient you're looking for is Guaifenesin). I'm also wondering if my morning workouts are stressing my body out. Every other morning, I do a workout that often gets my pulse up to around 180 beats per minute and requires me to use my asthma inhaler. I've decided to replace that workout with yoga. I've done yoga before, and I loved it. I've found several poses that are supposed to be beneficial for pregnant women, so maybe they'll be beneficial for me, too. One other thing I read is that men can take mega-doses of vitamin C to make their sperm healthier, so I'm going to try to get my husband to take Emergen-C when I'm close to ovulating.

Ovulating. On that subject (if we were ever off that subject), I bought some ovulation tests last month, a pack of 7. The closest thing I got to a positive result was on day 19. The test line never got as dark as or darker than the control line (which would have definitely indicated ovulation). This month, I've bought a pack of 20 so I can test all month long. We'll see how that goes.

...So I Guess That's a "No"

Well, it looks like I started a new cycle this morning. I had allowed myself to get my hopes up, so now I'm feeling a little down. That cycle was so odd. I should have had a dip in temperature this morning or yesterday morning to indicate that this new cycle was starting, but that didn't happen. Today would have been day 35, but now it's day 1. I've never gone past 30 days before.

Status Unknown

Today is day 32 of my cycle, which has never gone past 30 days in the time that I've been charting (except, of course, for the time that I spent pregnant). I took a pregnancy test this morning, though, and it said I'm not pregnant. If there's still no sign of my period at this time next week, I'll take the test again. I wish I knew what was happening.

I just looked up hysterical pregnancy (it's known by several names, but the medical name is Pseudocyesis, which literally means false pregnancy) because I was concerned that that's what I'm experiencing. But according to Wikipedia, "The hallmark sign of pseudocyesis that is common to all cases is that the affected patient is convinced that she is pregnant." So since I'm worried that this is what I'm going through, that apparently means it isn't what I'm going through.

So now I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.

Who Knows?

I've been feeling "different" the last few days. It has only been 21 days since my most recent period started, so it's too soon to test whether or not I'm feeling different because I'm pregnant. And frankly, it's at the front of my mind right now. I don't want to get excited just to be disappointed again, so instead, I'm just feeling nervous and unsettled.

I've read that women who are really in tune to their bodies can feel a slight pain when they ovulate. I felt something akin to a cramp, but far more mild, on day 14, and my temperature dipped on day 15. It hasn't sprung back up again, which could indicate that insemination occurred or could just indicate that my body is out of whack this month and I haven't ovulated yet. Also, I've been a little queasy at times during the last three days, and I can't find any other reason for that.

If I am pregnant, and that's a big "if," today is day 20.

Miscarriage Update #2

Hopefully this will be my last miscarriage entry. Based on my blood test on Friday, my doctor decided to prescribe Misoprostol (generic for Cytotec). She told me it would help my cervix to dilate and allow the tissue to come out. She said she was giving me a fairly mild dose that would probably make me cramp, but it didn't sound too bad. But it was bad. Very bad. If your doctor wants you to take this, ask lots of questions and request a pain prescription to accompany it.

For my first dose, I took 400 mcg intravaginally (as the instructions told me to). I never got to a 2nd dose. 2 1/2 hours after the first dose, I was in such severe pain that I was screaming and doubling over every couple of minutes. I told my husband that I had to go to the emergency room, and he was so concerned for me that he went about 15-20 miles per hour over the speed limit all the way there. Luckily, they took me in pretty quickly and gave me some awesome pain medication through an IV. Once that was injected, the screaming and doubling over stopped immediately.

The doctor at the ER did a vaginal exam and extracted a big ball of tissue about the size of a tennis ball. He said I was just about to pass it on my own, but I was more than happy to let him pull it out. He showed it to me, and it looked like a red, veiny bag. The nurse told me later that they examined the contents of the bag and it looked like an embryo had never actually formed. So I've spent 16 weeks pregnant with nothing. That feels like such a waste of time, energy, and weight gain. The doctor sent me home with some Vicodin for the pain.

I went to see my regular doctor today. She had another blood test done (I believe that was blood test number 7 - the woman who draws the blood now knows who I am). It showed that my iron level is pretty healthy and that my pregnancy hormone level has gone way down, so I shouldn't need a D&C. I should just be able to finish bleeding on my own. That should taper off soon, though there's no sign of that right now. In fact, I'm bleeding pretty heavily. But at least the worst seems to be over. Once I finish bleeding, I'll wait until my next cycle and then start trying to conceive again.

I've prayed about the baby that never was. I don't know at what point we receive souls, but if that baby already had a soul, I want that soul to know that I love it. I asked God to tell that soul that I love it and that, when I reach heaven, I'll know it as either Grace or Andrew.