Week Six

Just to be clear, "week six" means I have complete five full weeks of pregnancy and am now working on the sixth week. Today is actually day 38.

The spotting I mentioned last time stopped the next morning, for which I am quite thankful. But then I had another scare yesterday morning with bright blood. But that was just the one time, so I think (hope) everything is ok.

I intend to do another pregnancy test on Tuesday (which will be the beginning of week seven). If that's positive, I'll call the clinic and get in for one of their pregnancy tests.

I've been crying for no good reason. Not sobbing, just...tears. It seems like everything is affecting me more lately. Part of it is that I really don't want a repeat of my last pregnancy. I want a child so bad. And part of me fears that it's just not going to happen. But I'm trying to trust in God's will.

Physically, my stomach is already starting to change. It's enough for me to see, but not enough for anyone else to notice. I've decided to take weekly pictures to monitor it. But I'll spare you, at least for the time being.

Week Five Again?

I am shaking like a leaf right now. I manage to calm myself down a bit with deep breathing, and then I go back to normal breathing, and I go right back to where I started.

Today is day 31 of my cycle. I've been spotting for three days, but with no actual menstruation. I usually spot for one day. So I decided to do a pregnancy test this morning if I still hadn't started menstruation. It turned out positive! I'm happy and excited, but I'm also worried due to the continued spotting. I'm thinking about calling my doctor, but I really don't think there is anything she'd be able to do. Either this one will latch on and the spotting is just a sign of that happening, or I'm going to lose it like the last one.

I pray to God that everything is healthy and good.

New Phase

I don't remember if I mentioned that I was going to go to the doctor in my last post. So in case I didn't, now you know. I talked to her about the problems we've been having. Since I haven't tried for quite a year (since the miscarriage), she suggested I wait until it's been a full year and then talk to the OB/GYN they have on staff at the clinic. But she knows that I'm a fairly intelligent person, so she was willing to talk through some options with me. She said she could give me a low dose of Clomid (which is basically the first thing they try when someone is having trouble conceiving - it increases your chances of ovulation) for three months (at which time it will have been a full year). She also said the lab at the clinic could test my husband's semen to make sure there are no problems with his sperm. I decided to say yes to both options.

We haven't been able to get a semen sample in yet. Circumstances have gotten in the way, and the sample needs to be brought to the clinic as soon as possible (like within a couple of hours after "the sample has been gathered"). Plus the clinic is only open between 8:30 and 5:00 Monday through Friday. We'll get it taken care of soon, though.

I will start the Clomid in just a few days. The instructions are to take it from day 5 through day 9 of the cycle, and then test for ovulation on days 11 through 15. If I do ovulate, that's a lot sooner than when it usually happens for me. So I'll keep on testing until I get a positive. We'll see what happens.

I'm actually kind of scared again by the prospect of getting pregnant. Is that silly of me? I guess I've somehow started to adjust to the idea that I won't be able to have kids. I'm scared I won't be ready, or I'll be a failure, or we won't have enough money. I don't know. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands. I do still really want kids. I'm just also scared.

Nope, Still Not Pregnant

Well, I've given the new ideas three cycles, and I'm still not pregnant. I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor (it's about time for my yearly fun-time appointment anyway) and talk to her about what steps we can take to figure out what's going on. I'll update again when I have new information.

New Tactics

I've decided to use some new tactics for a couple of months to see if we have any better luck. Frankly, I'm beginning to grasp at straws here. I read that sperm can have trouble swimming through glycerine-based lubricants like KY Jelly (and can even be killed by it), but that egg whites seem to have the opposite effect. So, as gross as it may sound, I'm going to begin using egg whites. Also, I read that "thick" vaginal fluids can be a problem, but that Robitussin (with no letters after it) can help with that. So I'll be taking Robitussin (the ingredient you're looking for is Guaifenesin). I'm also wondering if my morning workouts are stressing my body out. Every other morning, I do a workout that often gets my pulse up to around 180 beats per minute and requires me to use my asthma inhaler. I've decided to replace that workout with yoga. I've done yoga before, and I loved it. I've found several poses that are supposed to be beneficial for pregnant women, so maybe they'll be beneficial for me, too. One other thing I read is that men can take mega-doses of vitamin C to make their sperm healthier, so I'm going to try to get my husband to take Emergen-C when I'm close to ovulating.

Ovulating. On that subject (if we were ever off that subject), I bought some ovulation tests last month, a pack of 7. The closest thing I got to a positive result was on day 19. The test line never got as dark as or darker than the control line (which would have definitely indicated ovulation). This month, I've bought a pack of 20 so I can test all month long. We'll see how that goes.

...So I Guess That's a "No"

Well, it looks like I started a new cycle this morning. I had allowed myself to get my hopes up, so now I'm feeling a little down. That cycle was so odd. I should have had a dip in temperature this morning or yesterday morning to indicate that this new cycle was starting, but that didn't happen. Today would have been day 35, but now it's day 1. I've never gone past 30 days before.

Status Unknown

Today is day 32 of my cycle, which has never gone past 30 days in the time that I've been charting (except, of course, for the time that I spent pregnant). I took a pregnancy test this morning, though, and it said I'm not pregnant. If there's still no sign of my period at this time next week, I'll take the test again. I wish I knew what was happening.

I just looked up hysterical pregnancy (it's known by several names, but the medical name is Pseudocyesis, which literally means false pregnancy) because I was concerned that that's what I'm experiencing. But according to Wikipedia, "The hallmark sign of pseudocyesis that is common to all cases is that the affected patient is convinced that she is pregnant." So since I'm worried that this is what I'm going through, that apparently means it isn't what I'm going through.

So now I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.